Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Seals are just dog mermaids.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Beware of the dog..
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.