[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
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Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.