Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
You couldnโt make The Godfather today. Itโs almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
It is what it is. Unless itโs cauliflower. Then it is what it isnโt.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – canโt think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A 12 step program but itโs just me getting off the couch.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. ๐
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed ๐ฌ