Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”