everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
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My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Blew out my flip flop…
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.