funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
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I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent