You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
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Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
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The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower