jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most