[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
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boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Breaking news:
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.