Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.