Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose