Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Bring back the McRib
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.