Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.