Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
accurate
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
i think both sides are to blame here
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.