My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
You Might Also Like
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Best table by far
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I need a headline like this
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band