If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…