I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
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Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Scream sneezers need love too.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
me when the borders lift
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.