I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME