Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*