Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident