no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
A classic…