I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Can Happiness buy money?