My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
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Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live