*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
🍞🦆
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Labreador