Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.