devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
what the
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
New Tinder profile.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.