“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.