*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
nature’s most graceful animal
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
This one’s “Alex”.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Something Saturday.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man