Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
You Might Also Like
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Cake safety first. Always.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?