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Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Heroic Misunderstanding
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My life coach traded me.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.