“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
peep davidson
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.