If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”