Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
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Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
ugh not again
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.