i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Think I pulled my liver
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I’ve had worse
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it