I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
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Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?