[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Current mood: Potato
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Nice try, poison.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.