HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
SPLOOT
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest