The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
i was baptized in a car wash
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.