Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
You Might Also Like
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Guys, I found it.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT