Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
You Might Also Like
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The future is now.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
i could never be president. im overqualified.