Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
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A classic…
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”