Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
yeah not falling for this one
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.