Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
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Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”