Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Good point.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
We need more people like this.