I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
finally