My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what