Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
i’m still crying at this
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s