Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
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If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica