Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
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Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.