ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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I know a bad idea when I see one.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.